Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
