I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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