Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
