I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
