I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The best revenge is premature balding
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
