I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
