finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
