Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
