Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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