All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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