So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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