I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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