you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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