i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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