On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize