Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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