I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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