even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
