bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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