a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
