I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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