You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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