I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
