I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
