i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
