i will never coherently bang her
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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