wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
