There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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