he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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