So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
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I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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