did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
