the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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