Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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