I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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