I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
