Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
