Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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