You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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