Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
