WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
