my mouth tastes like poor choices
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
