C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
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I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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