I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i came on her dog
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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