I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
