i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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