I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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