You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
