Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
