I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
