I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
