FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
