what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
