Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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